Relationships & COVID: Some Good News
To say that the past year has been stressful must be the understatement of the 21st Century. In Nashville, alone, we’ve suffered a Tornado, significant COVID outbreaks, and the recent tidal wave of civil unrest and presidential election tension bar none. In spite of so much we can’t control and the uncertainty of the coming months, there are ways to focus on our relationships with our significant partners that nurture a haven of trust and safety.
Put Down Your Phone: One of the ways we know that people often cope with stress is to “check out.” Even couples who never imagined themselves at a loss for words during those exciting early days of dating, face the natural reality of “checking out,” as a relationship matures. Going from new lover to spouse can be a rude awakening—and many couples bring this concern into our sessions: “Why doesn’t he/she ever put down their phone? It seems we never talk, anymore!” When the conversation wanes, it is tempting to fill the void with distractions that can create and even maintain distance. Most couples say they ultimately don’t want this distance. In fact, what they long for most is meaningful connection with their partners. What’s important to remember during the Pandemic is that when we are under stress, binging TV or getting lost in phone apps is no substitute for turning toward our partners for comfort during times of stress.
Take Responsibility: I believe that if you have the feeling you own the problem. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind or anticipate your desire for closeness. Keep in mind that our partners may not always be open to having conversations when we are. We have every responsibility to ASK for what we want, knowing that we can also ask if it’s a good time for them to talk or spend time as a couple. They have every right to postpone. Propose talking just for 10-15 minutes. Keep the conversation light, not just an opportunity to discuss problems. Just 10-15 minutes of time together, intentionally and actively listening without judgement can be the break we need to recharge and reconnect.
Take a Break BEFORE You Need It: So many of us are working from home, and there appears to be no end in sight in the coming months. Don’t wait until resentment builds. Bring it up whenever you notice you haven’t spent enough time together; if you can, have lunch during the day or go for a walk together. Plan a day just for the two of you. We seem to have no difficulty putting business or doctor’s appointments on our calendars. We can do this for one another.
Practice Gratitude: Let’s face it. what we know about COVID-19 changes almost daily. There’s a lot that’s uncertain and frightening about the coming year. In spite of this tension, many couples have told me that although they miss their “old” life in many respects, there are some aspects of the Pandemic that have caused them to feel gratitude for their relationships in ways they didn’t expect: there is more time to focus on what matters, since the distractions of life have slowed down. With less competing for our attention, we can focus on what’s working well. Staying healthy has never been more important. There’s the opportunity get around to old projects, try a new hobby or just practice what the Europeans know so well—relax in the moment—what the Danish call “Niksen,” or the art of doing nothing. In addition to relaxation, niksen also allows for moments of creativity and inspiration https://www.insider.com/niksen-replacing-hygge-as-the-best-method-de-stressing-method-2019-11.
Seek Support: This is the year when so many of us have had the opportunity to remember what is really important. Our closest relationships are worth nurturing, and facing a crisis together can be the prompting we need to heal old wounds or new challenges. I have found that telecounseling sessions can be just as powerful and beneficial as face-to-face therapy. There is also less stress involved: No need to rush to find a babysitter or run the gauntlet of rush-hour traffic to come to an appointment. Many of my clients tell me that the convenience of telecounseling has been one reasons they have reached out for support.