Why Secrets Keep Us Sick (And Stuck)
Many years ago, I was involved with someone who was not good for me. Despite how he appeared loving and committed to us early in our relationship, I confronted him about some unhealthy behaviors and secrets that he had been keeping. His attempts to justify his behavior by demeaning and criticizing me only served to widen the distance between us. He was only able to make superficial and insincere attempts to reconcile, and after it was clear he was only going through the motions, and his intent was to deflect ownership, and behave disrespectfully toward me, I ended the relationship.
Thankfully, I learned so much about myself during this painful time, and I am now grateful every day for my healthy and supportive spouse, family, and friends.
The saying, “secrets keep us sick,” originated in substance abuse recovery circles. It’s one of my favorites, because it’s so true. There is a reason “secrets keep us sick—and stuck.” Whenever we keep secrets, it takes enormous energy and planning to keep the secret. We devote a lot of time to figuring out ways to indulge in our secret behavior, trying to explain or rationalize this behavior to ourselves and hide from others, and as the adage goes, “one lie leads to another.” We are engaged in an unhealthy relationship with ourselves and everyone around us. We are stuck mentally, spiritually, and physically. Eventually, we frequently wind up being caught, one way, or another.
The damage to a relationship can be irreparable. That is why I urge couples to disclose any secrets that are creating a disconnect with themselves &/or their partner prior to our meeting, or very soon after entering therapy. Individual therapy can be a wonderfully supportive place to work through these issues and find the best way to share the truth. I frequently recommend this when one partner confidentially presents this issue in a session with me.
Often, people present for couples’ therapy to point fingers. Some think it’s a last resort to give their partners a chance to make amends. I make it clear that if the agenda for both partners is to really heal and work together, if there are secrets at the heart of the relationship, they need to be on the table: infidelity, drugs, porn, irresponsible spending, you name it. This can be very painful. Some are too deeply troubled or defensive to genuinely be able to put forth the effort. There is a time when one partner needs to walk away for their own mental health.
The advantage of sharing secrets and honestly working toward healing is that we have an opportunity to experience forgiveness. Guilt and shame are a part of the secret-keeping dynamic. But they don’t have to be an endless barrier to disclosure. The choice to share can be difficult but liberating. It is painful, as well. Sometimes, it seems impossible. If we desire healing, and are keeping secrets from our partners, we must figure out a new way of accepting ourselves and the choices we make that allows for confrontation, authentic repentance, and mercy.
I have seen so many couples come to a peaceful, collaborative place in their relationship after months and even years of secret-keeping, betrayal, and denial. It’s my honor and privilege to offer the opportunity to finally begin the journey toward healing.
Today may be the day you or someone you love chooses to take the risk to become “unstuck.”
If you would like to discuss your concerns about your own secrets, or if you long to reconcile with your partner, I would be honored to hold space for you.