Confessions of a Worry Wart Part II
Part II: I Think, Therefore, I’m Stuck
There are times when it would be wonderful to be able to “think” our way through life--all of those uncomfortable emotions: fear, anger, envy, would simply surrender to our intellect. For those among us who are proud of our ability to figure things out, nothing would please us more whenever we feel overwhelmed with those “bad” feelings.
Yet, somehow, thinking our way through doesn’t seem to work every time. Having a logical plan, taking a step back and assessing our situation and our feelings thoroughly, is often not easy. It can seem that the more we think about a situation that needs our attention, the worse it can get. We become stuck in circular reasoning and these uncomfortable feelings grow. We begin to engage in Distorted Thinking, which not only doesn’t relieve our emotional suffering, it can make things worse.
What can often happen is:
Mind-reading. When we usually trust our instincts, and can make good judgments, based on our insight and intellect, we also think that we know others’ intentions and motives. But…can we really read others’ minds? When we trust our own assessment of others’ motives and intentions, without question, we can frequently engage in mind reading. We accept our interpretation of others’ motives and as fact.
Overgeneralizing: When something unpleasant happens once, we assume it will happen in all contexts. For example: I failed the exam in physics class, I’m sure to fail my psychology test next week…I wasn’t a success in my prior job, I bet I’ll blow this opportunity, too…. What’s interesting about human nature is that we don’t tend to overgeneralize about positive life events.
Should & Ought Statements: I should have done much better with that souffle. After all, I’ve been cooking for years…I ought to know better than to have trusted anyone again after my other failed relationship. Only a supernatural, omniscient Being should or ought to be able to make the right choices. Our own mortal insight and ability to predict the future is quite limited. The result of a should and ought mindset is frequently great feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. It’s an example of distorted thinking that we often learn very early, either from our caregivers, or from ourselves.
We can challenge these distortions by:
Engaging in fact-checking: How do we know someone else’s motives and intentions for sure? The answer is: we can’t. We may know someone, like a spouse or close colleague, enough to make a very educated guess, but we can’t know for sure. We need to challenge our assumptions, check them out with the person. Stop by our colleague’s office for clarification. Let our spouse know how we felt about what they said or did, and then ask what they were thinking in order to open a conversation. Sometimes, the facts contradict our assumptions and can reduce our feelings of distress.
Slowing down: Do you ever notice how quickly one thought leads to another, until we can be lost in our emotions? By slowing down, and learning strategies to calm our reactive brain, we can then have a better opportunity to problem-solve. There is a time to react---in a true emergency---and there is a time to slow down, where our thoughts can be challenged or confirmed. This is also a good time to allow ourselves to experience our feelings fully, instead of fighting them…which brings me to:
Considering our Feelings our Friends: Yes, I know. This sounds woo-woo, but what I mean by this, is considering ALL feelings as just feelings. No judgement. This mindfulness approach removes judgement of our feelings as good or bad. We may find some feelings a lot more uncomfortable and undesirable than others, but in the end, a feeling is just a feeling. We can remain stuck the more we avoid or fight the experience of our emotions, which can make them even more uncomfortable---and our worries seem even more insurmountable.
Practicing Self-Compassion: The philosophy of self-compassion has been around in many forms for many years. Essentially, the core elements of self-compassion first begin with considering treating ourselves as we would a close friend. For example, would you be critical of a friend who was confused, distorting their thinking or feeling inadequate? Most likely, not. Self-compassion creates the context in which we can learn to foster compassion for ourselves when we are suffering.
For more reading about Distorted Thinking, Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, I highly recommend the following resources to begin:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns