I have to confess that I can be a worry wart. I’ve spent countless hours worrying, obsessing, considering every angle and every hypothetical scenario when I’m concerned about something: “Did I get the job?….Am I going to make the meeting on time?….Should I buy this house, or buy this car?…Did my partner really understand what I was trying to say?….and countless other concerns. Whether you’re someone who can become surprisingly anxious when pushed to the limit, or someone who becomes anxious about the least “little” thing, we all worry. It's almost as if we think that by worrying, we will help the situation--as if by merely focusing on our concerns and spending enough time worrying, we can make things “better,” somehow.
Here’s what I’ve learned about chronic worrying. We can’t.
What can often happen is:
We underestimate our ability to weather the storm. When we become overly anxious, we begin to distort our abilities, and focus on our flaws, instead of our strengths. We then send ourselves messages that we “can’t” manage uncertainty or distress.
We jump to worse-case scenarios. We can overestimate that whatever our decision, it will be the “wrong” one. Once we box ourselves in with this mindset, anxiety builds, making it more difficult to calm and center ourselves.
We don’t fact-check. Anxiety causes our limbic brain, that controls our fight-flight or freeze response, to kick-in. At that point, it’s all about survival, not reason. We don’t challenge some of the thoughts or feelings that we assume are facts.
Worry provides the illusion of certainty. Worry is not problem-solving. We can often tell ourselves that this is the case, but getting “stuck” in our heads and distorting our thinking with chronic worry does nothing to solve problems
Here’s what real problem-solving involves:
Taking action. When we begin to lose ourselves in ruminating and worry, even small action steps can help us switch gears. Get out for a walk. Clean out the refrigerator. Make a to-do list. Moving our bodies in some task unrelated to what we’re anxious about can clear our minds and intentionally help press the “pause” button, so that we can actually problem-solve.
Challenging distorted thinking. Distorted thinking, where we send ourselves messages that are not based fact, needs to be challenged. Here’s where fact-checking comes in. We often mind-read others, for example, or use “should” and “oughts” to describe the way we wish our situation were different. All-or-nothing thinking can set us up for a win-lose scenario, with little opportunity for compromise (More about Distorted Thinking in Part II).
Learning to accept uncertainty. If you’re someone who loves a plan and loves to know what the next hour, day or year brings, anxiety can be a very familiar feeling. The more we insist on predictability, the more likely we will be rattled when things don’t go according to plan. The fact is that life is uncertain. There will be worries, particularly about the future, that we can’t solve right now: “What if I lose my job next year?” “What if my child doesn’t get into college in a few years?” “What if I get cancer, like my friend did?” By focusing on what we can control right now, we can learn to take a break from chronic worrying.
Recognizing that unpredictable outcomes are not always negative. We all know stories of completely unexpected “comebacks” in sports, and many other pleasant or even amazing outcomes in our own lives that were unpredictable, from scoring that last parking space to meeting our future spouse. Not being completely “certain” about the future isn’t always a bad thing.